A Tribute to Friends

Your love,covers my sin,
and washes over me,
Your Grace, it draws me in,
So I can live for You,

Jesus You died for me,
So I will live, for You, My God,

And I will lay down my life,
For the cause, of the Cross,
And I won't try to ignore,
That Your heart's cry is the lost

And I will go if You say go,
I will never give it up,
I will lay down my life,
Because You laid down Your life,
To set me free

Your love washes over,
Over,
Over and Over

This morning was one of the lowest moments of my life, when i confronted myself, and all the hurts and pain deep within me finally surfaced, kept hidden for so long but finally laid out bare.Realising that for all the smiles and laughter, deep down inside is actually a person crying out for rest, crying out for comfort. I never thought to share it with anyone, it was a secret I thought nobody would ever know..except for me and God. My fears, my hatred towards myself, I cannot begin to explain what it actually means to me. Really broke down and cried, when I relived all my past memories, all the words said, all the things done. Finally realised that I had never let it go, that I was holding it all in, covering it up with my own thoughts. I realise now how wrong I was, whether in my efforts to help people or to help myself, and that I had the wrong perception of things all along. My friends were partially correct in that I was wrong in the way I tried to help them, not realising that they never asked for it. And I finally confronted the fact that I was also in denial, living on the fact that I should continue to help regardless of what they thought, because they needed help. They needed help, but not from me, it was from God, it has always been from God, and I was arrogant and wrong to ever think that I could be that source of help for them. Realised how incapable I thought I was, and how incapable I really am, but none of it matters, at least not anymore.Incapable I may be, but my God is. I just have to really learn how to avail myself to Him. I really want to help my friends around me, but I cannot, because I don't know how. Only God knows, and only He can use me to help if He so chooses. So I pray and hope that God will teach me humility, to use my passion for friends in a way that will reflect His glory, and that I will learn that to truly care for my friends is not to impose on them the way I think is right, but to love and support them through prayer, and to just be there for them. I was wrong to base on my own strength, to want to be the one that my friends could lean on, when all along I myself had no strength to stand up straight, and had no one to lean on, because nobody understood how I feel at that time. Now I know, I know that I was never alone, I always knew God was there, but I never truly believed it. I do now, and I know that I can always draw on His strength, and the strength of those around me, those who truly care for me, who truly accepted me, even when I never truly accepted myself.

For as long as I shall live,
I will testify to love,
I'll be the witness in the silences when words are not enough,
With every breath I take,
I will give thanks to God above,
For as long as I shall live,
I will testify

I really thank God for two of my friends last night, who were people I never thought I would be so honest with. They were the ones that made me realise that while I was wrong in the way that i chose to help at times, I was also wrong in the assumption that nobody cared. There's nothing more I can say to describe what they did for me than to say that they were there for me when I most needed someone to talk to. And I cannot thank them enough for it. What I have done to deserve such friends, I cannot begin to understand. Perhaps it was for such a time as this, that they were there at the right place and the right time, to show me God's love. I owe them so much, I do not think I will ever be able to repay. I can only pray that God will continue to bless our friendship, one that I know I will treasure for the rest of my life. Amanda and Lynette, thank you. To all my other friends, I am sorry if I ever caused you problems when I tried to help, believe that it was for the best intentions, though I did it spectacularly badly. And I also pray for our friendship, that God will continue to give me the priviledge to be called your friend. I am sorry if this post sounds as if I'm only thankful for Manda and Lynn, but trust that it is not. Its just that they were at the right place at the right time, but I really want you all to know that I love you all very much, and will always try to be there for you, no matter what the cost. Im sorry if I ever did it the wrong way, and I promise to change, if I am given the chance.I may never be the best, but I will try to be the friend that Jesus is to me, never judging, never criticizing, and always caring. I pray that in this cause, I will be capable. Thank you God for giving me such friends, and thank you my friends, without whom my life would never be what it is today.

P.S Amanda and Lynette..sorry if i made u guys feel awkward..may have said too much to both of u..please don't feel awkward k? so sry >.<