Able

I twist and I turn,
On the inside I churn,
Fear and worry,
They torment me,

Of sleepless nights and cold sweat,
Oh the amount of those I have had,
Feeling the circumstances piled before,
And the consequences dire if I should fall,

A leader it would seem,
Is a hard thing to be,
Rather would I have been,
An ordinary guy, just me,

Burdens placed on shoulders not wide enough,
Bending a back not at all that tough,
Walking a tightrope of uncertainty,
Walking that tightrope blindly,

"What can I do?"
My desperate cry,
I need some help,
That I can't deny,

Apathy strikes,
Its claws digging in,
Regret follows,
Of what could have been,

Desperately I look,
And no one was there,
To reassure,
My burden to share,

Realisation dawns,
I've looked the wrong way,
When all things seemed lost,
My vision too, went astray,

A song plays,
Its melody familiar,
The words reminding me always,
Of a God who calms all fear,

I know my God is able,
I know my God never fails,
I know my God is able,

He knows me through,
He knows me true,
He knows the fear I have,
He knows my worries too,

When my strength begins to fade,
When I lack confidence,
He teaches me to have faith,
In His divine providence,

I trust in You with all I am,
Coz I know You have the master plan,
So I'll throw my life into Your hands,
For Your glory, For Your glory,

I step forward into the fray,
My faith placed in Him alone,
I know my trust He will not betray,
For He is my solid stone,

Trust in Him all you people,
Even in the midst of situations terrible,
Take heart in the midst of your trouble,
For it is then that you will know,
Your God is able,

The strength of youth will fade away,
And the pride of achievements lead you astray,
Perseverance itself might crumble and fall,
But my God is above them all,

Things may change like the turn of a table,
When it seems that I may be making a gamble,
In moments like these when I feel unstable,
I look to You and I know,
My God is able.

*Italics from God is Able by Planetshakers*

Take A Closer Look At Me

People say first impressions are everything,
That what you see if what you get,
So if you dress like a pauper or you dress like a king,
You either live with pride or regret,

Not so I say,
It shouldn't be this way,
To judge a man by his looks,
Would be like vindicating crooks,

Take a look at me,
What do you see?
A face of freckles,
A large pair of spectacles,

A too-big nose and a crooked smile,
Hair so thick it could stretch a mile,
Features seemingly etched in stone,
Looks that basically say "leave me alone",

Listen intently, what do you hear?
Laughter that sounds like it came from a deer,
A voice so boring it could turn paint dry,
Flightless birds to escape would fly,

A character so boring it would almost pass for mature,
About as interesting as a pile of manure,
Jokes spoken like it came from a seer,
Inducing not laughter but instead fear,

If by such values a man is judged,
Then I am but a man walking with a crutch,
But if face value never counts for much,
Why then do I sometimes feel such?

Would you look past the surface into a soul deep within,
To see the person inside my skin,
Past the funny hair-do and dressing style,
Past the blemished face and the weird smile,

Beyond our husks we are but the same,
A soul of identity, a soul with a name,
Why then are we treated differently, are our looks to blame?
Is surgery then the only option, so nature I can tame?

It may be difficult for you to really see,
Granted, my looks doesn't make things easy,
But will you put aside the values that be,
And take a closer look at me?

A child of God, just like you,
A child that God called beautiful,
A child of destiny, whatever His plans be,
A child of His, that's me,

Through trials and failures I have worked through,
By His strength which steers me true,
Wanting to be appreciated for the things I do,
Wanting to be loved, just like you,

Beneath the smiles and the laughter aloud,
Throbs a heart, in pain and in doubt,
Only His love sustains me throughout,
Telling me He loves me, taking me through drought,

A small favour I ask of thee,
But a single request, so you will see,
Will you put aside the perceptions that be,
And take a closer look at me?

P.S: I just felt inspired to write as to how I feel OCCASIONALLY....I am not chronically or even minorly depressed...I know God loves me....and my friends do too... =)

Deeper

I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice,
I want to feel You,
More than before,

I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face,
I want You Jesus,
More than before,

More of You,
Jesus I want more,
More of You,
My Lord,

Take me deeper,
Than I've been before,
Take me further,
God I long for more,
Take me higher,
Than I've been before,
Jesus I want more,
Jesus I need more of You.

By Planetshakers

God, this is my prayer. Help me to live it up.

Of random thoughts and discoveries

Went to Sunway Pyramid today with Vincent,Ming Yao and my beloved "daughter" Ira. Was fun....in a caffeine-sorta way(starbucks...yum)...and was nice to observe people skating...especially training figure skaters...so graceful in their twirls and movements....makes me wonder how they balance when they jump,spin and fall....Vertigo obviously doesn't seem to affect them at all...such cool moves/people...haha....

I had a revelation today...can't really say it out here...would be just plain weird...but it has to do with parenting and myself....and I realised just how much I really wanted something...oh well....God's working/already worked on it...and I just have to trust Him....that doesn't mean that I'm not saying my own prayers to Him asking for it...haha....

On the other hand...

I need to get a gyropscope or something....for my unbalanced emotions...focus Victor...focus...can't afford to fall into THAT emotion again...not so soon and not for anyone....I should go look for any ancient tablets/books on how to freeze emotions/turn you heartless....but that would make me murderous/bellicose/pugnacious...hmm...maybe not such a good idea after all...

Twins have a remarkable superiority when it comes to Taboo...or maybe its just for the twins I'm close to and played with (Wei-I and Li in case you are curious). They're good....though they sometimes speak their own language....haha....had lunch with them today..was nice...discovered a new place near my home that they new about but I never knew existed...oh well..always nice to find a new place to eat...

Speaking of eating...I'm hungry...probably not supposed to say that since I'm fasting but yes...I'm starving/famished/ravenous. I should pray shouldn't I? "God, take away my hunger and thoughts of food.".

Results are out...not exactly very happy with them....B+ which would be classified as failure already since I failed to achieve my intended grade. And no, its not arrogance...just my way of spurring myself on...Harder work required next sem...6 subjects as well....*Breathe in* *Breath out*

Church was nice...nice to see people I haven't met in a while...and a friend of mine took food for me...Thanks Kui-Ling if you ever read this..though it did get me thinking...Is it just me or do we treat people we seldom see better than those always around us....not to say that she treats others badly...just my thoughts...ironic no?

And thats bout it for randomness....See ya!

There's always someone out there

Who hurts when you hurt,
Who hurts to see you hurt,
Who hurts when you hurt for others,
Who quietly supports you,
Who does hidden favours for you,
Who cares enough to ask,
Who finds out anyway if something is wrong and you won't tell,
Who loves you,

Besides You God,
I do hope there is.

To: God (3)

I love You!!!!
You made everything alright!!!
You gave me a great day to take my mind off things!
You made the meeting run so well!!!
You sent me a friend in times of need.
A friend who understood and a friend who was in a position to help.
Thank You for Erina.
You are awesome!!!!
I love You so so much!!!!!!!!

I will sing of Your faithfulness,
Of Your mercies and Your love,
Of Your comfort and gentleness,
That descends like a dove,

I will sing of Your works and Your wondrous deeds,
Of Your grace for me when I am in need,
I will sing of Your wisdom and guidance,
Of Your strength for me to continue in perseverance,

Kasih yang sempurna telah,
Ku terima dari Mu,
Bukan kerana kebaikanku,
Hanya oleh kasih kurniaMu,
Kau pulihkan aku,
Layakkan ku untuk dapat memanggil Mu Bapa,

Kau beri yang ku minta,
Saat ku mencari ku mendapatkan,
Ku ketuk pintuMu dan Kau bukakan,
Sebab Kau Bapaku,
Bapa yang Kekal,

Takkan Kau biarkan,
Aku melangkah hanya sendirian,
Kau selalu ada bagi ku,
Sebab Kau Bapaku,
Bapa yang Kekal.

Malay lyrics from Bapa yang Kekal

I LOVE YOU GOD/JESUS/HOLY SPIRIT!!!!
Thanks so much!!!!

To: God (2)

God, I feel like crying...
No more words that rhyme...
I can't even think straight...
Suddenly I feel like everything is crumbling around me...
I'm worried...I'm worried bout the camp
I'm worried bout what I'm doing..
I'm not leading it properly...
There's so many things not done...
I'm worried bout my results...
I don't know what will happen..
I'm frustrated Lord!!!!!!!!
I'm so frustrated and angry with myself!!!
I don't know what I'm doing..
I hate my slack-ness...
My irresponsibility that led to so many problems...
With the committee...
With the camp preparations...
With so many things...
Like CF as well...
I feel like crying...But my eyes are dry...
It's as though the distance from my heart to my eyes is so far...
That by the time the pain gets there its simmered down to the point where my eyes don't want to tear anymore...
God I'm really tired....And I haven't even done anything worth being tired about...
My responsibilities are in a mess now...
I have to drag myself about to get things done...
I feel so useless and helpless Lord...
I don't even know why I'm feeling this way...
I feel like a fool...
And I'm sorry if I disappointed You in this...
Sorry...I'm so sorry...I want to do better...
I really do....

To: God

Stressed stressed stressed,
It seems to be my companion these days,
Aren't I supposed to be in Your presence,
To walk Your peaceful ways?

What has happened to my plans,
My schedules are all mixed up,
Problems to which I have no defence,
Circumstances are filling my cup,

In Your secret place I know,
Peace and understanding in me will overflow,
But can I find that secret place,
To feel the warmth of Your embrace,

Am I like Martha, who knew not what was important,
Or am I simply me, failing in my duty,
It seems like an ominous portent.

I'm worried Lord,
And nervous,
I'm scared of things disastrous,

And above all Lord I lack,
Faith and confidence,
In my quiet times I reflect,
And see my actions that were devoid of substance,

"Help me Lord!" is my distant cry,
"I want to do better! I want to try!",
And then, when my fears strip me bare,
I look to the heavens and hear Your voice,
I know,
You are there.