As darkness fell, and I shivered and shook,
Bereft of the confidence that Insecurity took,
Feeling lost, for You I looked,
Reading Your promises, in Your Holy Book,

But nohing came; I've lost my aim,
Whatever I tried, it turned out the same,
With no one but me to take the blame,
To carry the burden, the guilt and the shame,

A decision made, so easily misled,
A mistake for which I was not prepared,
If only I had listened, such confusion would I be spared,
The fact that I didn't, my problems I dread,

Looking for a sign, I spoke to the air,
As time ran out, I fell into despair,
Just when my problems I could no longer bear,
Your Light shone around me, and You were there,

So to You I sing, my Lord and King,
Lifting this praise, an offering,
My life broken, to You I bring,
For You are my God, my Everything.

Swings of Life

Felt so heavy when I returned from college today....sat in the car for a while and didn't go into the house..then decided to just take a drive around the housing area...after a while I finally entered the house...bathed...and went off tto the playground outside my house which I haven't been to for ages...thought I'd just walk while listening to some songs from my phone....and wondered if being alone for a while would give me time to think about what I should do...whether or not I should change departments in college...AGAIN...

While I was swinging I was really hoping God would speak to me and give me some advice...not that I didn't have any...I've had loads...from lecturers and friends and family members....but I just didn't know what to do...while I sat there swinging I remembered the times when I was only a small fry....and my sister or parents had to swing me...and how high I swung depended on how hard they pushed...and I realised that now...how high I swung depended on how much effort I put into swinging..and its kinda like life...when you reach a stage...whether you go high or low depends on yourself...there's nobody behind to push you anymore....its all up to you....and then I took some time to look around...and I also realised how I often neglected how beautiful even the most common sights of nature are....like the grass and the trees...imagine if the trees had pink trunks...or the grass was gray...that would be just so...not harmonious....but nature has a way of blending colours in perfectly...and suddenly something inside me just said...what looks ugly outside can be really beautiful..if you take the time to look at it...it might look common or simple..but each and everything fits in together...in the right place...I wasn't really sure what all this meant...I still don't...then I looked up into the sky and saw the top of the trees...and birds flying around...and I suddenly remembered the Bible verse on worrying....in Matthew 6:25-34...and I was really thankful....

On the way back I asked God what should I do...and I was still waiting for an answer....maybe He's going to give me an answer in due time...about what His advice and decision is....or maybe He already has....and I just have to look deeper into things to see it....in any case....I am a little more relieved now....I know that though I might have to make my own chances...and how high I swing depends on how hard I try...He's always there to catch me when I fall...or when I can't get myself moving....Thank you God....

Of Pscyhology Reports

Woot...finished my first ever Psychology Lab Report at 4am this morning...when I typed the last paragraph and word of the oh-so-long and oh-so-complicated lab report...the satisfaction was just so..............satisfying....lol....really....I guess it was mainly because I was so worried I didn't know how to do it...and that led to a lack of motivation which led to procrastinating and procrastinating and more procrastinating...and well...its due tomorrow...so decided I couldn't procrastinate anymore..so did it on saturday night at 11.40+...(after more slight procrastinating "later later")...when I finally sat down and put my mind to it somehow it just clicked....and its really really satisfying to know you did something you thought was too hard to do....I wonder why I still procrastinate even though I know how satisfying doing things like this are...maybe its just nature...haha...and the final count is 3295 words and an approximate 16,872 characters!I know...its not much...a far cry from the 25thousand thesis paper and the 60ooo masters paper...but hey..its my first one...and I'm proud of it...so there...haha...

oh and I got a new printer todaay..so my room has a printer....haha....it was actually cheaper to buy a printer that came with ink supplies than to buy the refill cartridge for the existing printer....how ironic....and a new mouse too...cute tiger-like mouse...haha..will try to take a photo of it....when I find the camera that is...and being my usual procrastinating self...best not to hold your breath for it....

Weeeeee!!!!thats 2 assignments down....1 to go!!!!bring it!!!! =)

God...

You reached out and rescued me,
Answer to my dreams,
And Love hung on the Cross,
So we could meet,

Calmed my restlesness,
Words fail to express,
There's no where I would rather be than with You,

I call on You my King,
You open Your arms to me,
And embrace me like a father to a child

Thank you God, for all You've done...you know what I'm going through...in studies and in life...even with my relationship with You...You know...and I thank You for Your faithfulness

The whole earth falls,to its knees,
At the sound of Your beautiful name,
And all the voices in the world,
Unify today,
To bring You this song of praise

Choices,Decisions and Consequences

We often make choices in our lives...in fact...our entire life is run by choices...what we choose to eat determines our health and hunger,what we choose to study determines who we are going to be, what we choose to wear determines our public image; choices are made on a daily basis...and while some are often trivial and inconsequential, there are some that will determine what path you are going to take....and wrong choices can alter such paths drastically...utterly changing the direction of life...while you might still end up at your intended destination, the state in which you arrive there will only be determined by how hard you try to make up for the wrong decision...

I made a rash decision recently...one that I thought was so right at that time....I considered...but not carefully enough...recently found out that I should not have made that decision so quickly..and I should have weighed my options before making such an important decision....but I thought that I could go back...revert....and still be on the right track...unfortunately there is no turning back from the decision...not unless I'm willing to re-start from scratch and waste time....decided not to...it wouldn't be fair to the people around me..I made the choice..and I will live with it....I can still get to my intended destination in life at the end..but I will have to work extra hard to be on par with others who are better educated...who have greater experience and knowledge than me....when I found out today that I couldn't go back....that there was no turning around....truth be told I was devastated...though I tried really hard not to let it show on my face....of course there is a way back..but to make that decision to turn around would be just unfair and wrong...not just for myself but for people around me....I cannot let them pay for my mistakes....but I guess that's how life is....it throws different situations at you...and how you react to it and the choices you make will determine what you become....don't ever doubt yourself when you start out on something...I learned that the grass on the other side isn't neccesarily greener....not all of the time...taught me a grim lesson on consideration before I junp into anything in the future....you take what life gives you...and you do your best with it...it might not be the best...but at least you've got something to work on...and it can still get you where you want to be...but it all depends on you...

God, sorry for making such a rash decision...and for all the other rash decisions that I have made in my life...I will continue to keep my options open...and I sincerely pray that You will make a way where there seems to be no way...nonetheless, not my will but Yours be done...if You had to let me make such a rash decision to make me learn, or to be here to serve Your purpose, then so be it.Help me to make the most of what I have...not to be too devastated and to live in regret..but in thankfulness that at least You have given me what I have...help me to make the most of it..in honour of You....may my actions and work with what I have glorify Your name...and bring peace to my heart....Help me Lord to go Your way, Help me not to go astray.

Of Judicial Ramifications

I got my first penalty for a driving offence today, otherwise known as simply kena saman.apparently was driving too fast, 19kilometres above the speed limit...exactly 99km/h....sigh....gonna get a grilling for that....anyway....here's what happened....

I realised the cars in front were going exceedingly slow..but it never occured to me that the "oh-so-prestigious-and-efficient" members of the national security task force were on the prowl....so when I finally got to see the road blocks I knew I was in trouble...sure enough...I got flagged down and sent to the side...this "oh-so-even-more-prestigious" officer came to attend to me...wound down the window and he told me I was travelling at 99km/h....I gave him the sweetest smile imaginable and said "sorry encik..."...he gave me and awkward stare so I asked him if he wanted my driving license...deep down inside he must have wanted something more.....valuable....but he said yes...while he was holding my license he suddenly gave me another chance by asking "mau saya saman ke?" or so he thought....again the sweetest smile and the "sorry encik...." but this time I added "ok..."...man...he must have been disappointed....wrote down my personal details and stuff...and handed the slip back to me for me to sign it...after that he tore off the sheet and handed it to me...the look of utter disgust plastered across his face...guess he was hoping that a young and inexperienced driver would be scared into choosing the easy way out and just giving him some money for tea....once again the "sorry encik" coupled with the sweet smile...but I have to tell you I was seriously tempted to just pay him off....coz my friends told me that they only expect like rm10/20 from students and P drivers...and added to that is the fact my parents are sure to nag and scold....but chose not to in the end....when I was taking th slip from him and apologizing I was sorely tempted to actually add a "terima kasih" to the smile....didn't want to push the guy over the limit..so just took it and left...while I was driving I strangely felt at peace with myself...of course I regret going so fast and getting a summons..but at least I was preserved further degradation of standards by choosing not to bribe the "wonderful" officer...still...grumbling to myself now..of all the huge criminals in the nation and they choose to apprehend lil old me...sigh....so I have 4 marks left on my P license...another offence like that and my license is revoked...thus signifies the end of my speeding days..at least until I gat my permanent license and 20 more merit points....then things MIGHT change again...haha

God, sorry for breaking the law set by the authorities..I know I'm supposed to respect them no matter how much I dislike the people that carry it out and set them down....thank you for helping me to avoid even further sin and for doing the right thing...Amen

Helping or Harming?

Been faced with a problem with a friend....she's a very nice person...a great friend..one of the few that I can talk bout most stuff with...and also one of the few who will know SOME of my personal details....however, she is also hard to handle at times....she's a great person, kind compassionate caring, but she's also a quite dependant person....sometimes she has a problem and she really has no clue as to what to do....so I'm usually there to help out....talk to her and even if I can't do much to just be the listening ear...it's totally fine with me...I don't mind listening..I'm actually quite glad that she tells it to me instead of keeping it pent up inside her...can be really frustrating and stressful that way...but the thing is...most of the time she really needs a lot of encouragement and nudges to get going in life...that's what friends are for, but I'm struggling to make her see that she has a lot more inside of her than she really thinks...and yet she often denies it, and tell me that she can't...the ironic thing is that even though she tells me her issues and sometimes they aren't really an issue, I have more faith in her than she has in herself...kinda low self-esteem...been trying to tell her that it's alright...that things will work out fine and she doesn't need to worry...but it's hard when she keeps saying she's scared and can't do it....I don't know if she really feels so afraid or she just needs to hear words of encouragement...either way I will always be there to listen when she needs me around...but I'm not sure if I'm helping her....learned in Psychology today about Dependant Personality Disorder...and it got me thinking and worried...I don't want her to be one of them..I pray not.....but if I have to keep telling her she's better than what she thinks and convince her of her abilites, am I helping her or harming her?clueless as to what to do now...really hope she sees the truth one day about herself..that she really doesn't need any help from anybody to survive and to keep going....she can be totally happy by herself, living life for herself..and not her boyfriend or anyone else....

My friend, if you are reading this, I'm sorry if it hurts you...I don't mean to hurt you or anything....but you just have to realise that you got a lot inside of you that's just waiting for the chance to be let out by yourself...don't put your life on hold just because of someone or something...nothing and nobody is worth that....God wouldn't want you to do that either....He made you for His glory...remember that...

Clueless

1500 words academic essay on child labour...not the easiest of topics..but that's college for you...no more "My Ideal Hsuband/Wife" or "write a story that ends with "It all turned out to be a dream"...sigh...miss those days...where your creativity could just be let out of its box...not that you cant do it now...it's just harder...gotta be creative in a persuasive way...hehe...trying to find a way....back to work...yea right...

Hectic Day

Today was the first time ever in this semester that I was late for class....to do the moment justice I must slowly and carefully explain it....

I woke up at 6.48am precisely...heaven knows why...and I thought I was late coz my class started at 8 on Wednesdays....turns out it was Tuesday..oh well...back to bed...my phone alarm rang on 8.15am...and I snoozed it as is custom...thinking "oh it will ring again after 5 minutes and I'll still have time to snooze it 3 more times before getting up at 8.30"...turns out it DIDN'T ring again..the alarm went off...but the phone remained silent....darn it...stupid phone...I woke up and my blood ran cold when I realised how long I slept...checked my phone and it was 9.35 exactly....and my phone had an alert saying "Alarm!"...was like..."What the?!" as though putting the big alert there and remaining quiet is gonna help...so I hopped out of bed...well...hop is an understatement....I almost flew out of it....and took one of the briefest proper shower of my life..and in my looooong history of short,brief showers that is saying something....well..when I got ready it was already 9.48...oh darn...I'm sooo late...sis drove me to college...she was driving fast...guess she knew that I was late.....reached college at precisely 10.12....entered the class and said sorry I was late...and my Psyc lecturer gave me a look I never saw before...a kinda mix between a smile and a grimace..was trying to figure out why when my friend told me I missed a quiz the moment I took my seat....instantly knew why....oh well...I can afford to miss 2 and still get high marks coz she only takes the best 10/12...but sad I missed one...and for the first time I was on the receiving end of the "you just missed a quiz" look...not very nice....anyway..I asked her for the questions...and out of the five I could only answer 1 question correctly as I did absolutely no revision whatsoever...so I didn't really miss much...haha...self-consolation...it actually works...when its true that is.....dumb phone made me late....sigh....traitorious machine....

anyway..today turned out great...did quite well for Psyc mid-term...didn't reach my target...but it wasn't too far off mark...so quite satisfied...English was stunning...the quiz I thought I was gonna fail..I got the result today and I aced it apparently...was so stunned...and of course all my frens who shared my misery about how hard the quiz was were looking at me with the "you are so gonna die you freaking liar" look....lol...seriously....had to endure a whole 1 1/2 hours of constant ribbing....haha..but glad I managed to do well..

Thank you God for making this day so wonderful..even though it didn't start out as great as I would have hoped...

Tired and sleepy....

Today has been busy..left the house early in the morning...went to bangsar...picked up a friend from his house and went to midvalley for a movie....played pool while waiting for the third guy to arrive...and then went arcade for a short while...then went for the movie...tickets cost 20 bucks each...I'm so broke..sigh....the movie was okay...nothing exceptional...Terminator 3....honestly...didn't really like it....and I'm so sick of driving...coz had to fetch my frens home after the movie..one in bangsar..relatively near to MV...the other in Puchong...wow....and after that had to drive out for dinner as well....coz parents aren't home...so fetched sis and her friend for dinner at some near place...and I think I did my first reverse parking...under the supervision of two experienced drivers...so you can imagine how it was...haha...my sis was the noisy 1...anyway....without parents at home isn't all that fun....I know people think that it should be cool....but it really isn't...its only so early in the night and the house is quiet...me and sis are already in respective rooms...hehe...I kinda miss them...don't know why..lol..that's not to say that I don't enjoy being home alone..it has its pros....like being able to drive out to hang out with friends freely..I guess that's the only major pro...hehe


Anyway...I have decided to call my laptop Emeriss....hehe..random I know...but who cares...haha

Signing off-Gone

Operation Revamp

okay...my laptop is basically boring now....haha...bet you're wondering "waaa...bored of it only after a day??!!" not really actually....its just coz my laptop is well......media-less and entertainment-less...so it gets kinda boring...especially since I'm the type that can't live without music or some nice cute pictures of adorable animals...lol...sounds.....wrong.....anyway...so I've gotta transfer all my media from the desktop to this machine here...and some of the games as well...boys will be boys....hehe....and I don't know where to begin....coz I've got sooo many songs and stuff that I'd like to transfer...and my pendrive is MIA-ing again...sometimes I think it's conspiring against me...haha...nah..I was just careless...as usual....

Anyway, today in CF I finally got to meet a lecturer who I've heard so much of but never ever had the chance to meet....Dr. Goh...no it's not me or anyone related to me....hehe...at least I don't think so....but he's a great person...and what he said in CF today was really relevant to youth....about what CF is all about..and all his cool suggestions...and today they appointed the new commitee members....wooo.....those people have really done a great job....sseriously..if it wasn't for them I don't think I would have learned to like college...at least for the first few weeks...they were the ones friendly enough to make me enjoy college....hehe...great bunch of people...thank God for them...hope the new members will continue to serve in the awesome way and manner that they have always done and touch the hearts of many more students in HELP....

The Day My Laptop Came

Yay!!!!this shall be the first entry with the newest addition to my life...my laptop...hehe....somehow though...It's nt as exciting as I thought it would be...but thats not to say I'm not happy....really thankful that I got it...coz now I can do mobile assignmenting...and I also finally have Mic Word 2007...I know...even I'm surprised...haha....anyway, mid-terms next week...great....no seriously...it's great..I can't wait for it....I know..weird.....super duper happy that I got my laptop...

Thank You God for blessing me with so many priviledges...help to me treasure them and to take good care of them, whether inanimate or animate....may this be another tool for Your Glory....

M.L.A:Monkey's Liability Association

May flew past in a breeze....its already June now...how great...half of the semester is already gone...while it's good that the semester is already half done, it's also bad that the semester is already half done...I know..confusing right...haha...yeah...in other words its sorta bitter-sweet experience...coz I'm happy that it's passing by quickly and holidays are coming..but sad that the semester is only so short...coz it's really enjoyable..especially Psychology classes...wish it were a longer semester...14 weeks of Psychology...bliss....somehow 7 weeks is just....too short....happy times go by too quickly...can only hope that my next Psychology class will be as fun..maybe I'll get the same lecturer again...awesome-ness...haha....anyway.....I think I could have failed my first English quiz of my life today..thanks to three letters....to all of you wondering what MLA stands for you shall discover when you enter college and have to write papers....its the citation format which I'm really really really beginning to dislike.....the quiz was all about that format....and nothing about normal English stuff like vocabulary and grammar and even essay writing...none of that..it was format format format all the way...how wonderful...so yeah....practically failed that quiz...awaiting results to see how bad I actually did...doesn't look good tho....hoping for the best..keep my fingers crossed...who knows..maybe she might take pity on us and pass us all with flying colours...yeah right.....